Yo, I see you walking your
Doc Marten feet on Newberry’s cement in-town street. Dude. Sup? What
happen your wheels?
Maaaan, I was like on my way
town when all kinds of shit went down. I seen this raven in a dead birch
tree and I did not like how he looking at me. Give me heebie-jeebies,
so I pull up this two track where County Mounties won’t go and sit
there in my coach and roll me a truly splendiferous roach, turn up my
tunes for ear-splitting riffs, and inhale deep, dig it, on this most
Four tokes in, mighta been
five I hear banging on my window from directly outside, makes me dive
to dump the smoke but ain’t no place I can make it go and my ride’s
all lit up like a circus show.
There I see standing them gigantic
Woods Cop Dudes, Hammill and Miller, acting polite as can be, not the
least bit rude, just standin’ there at ease like they drove all the
way out there in the bush, just to shoot the breeze. Hammill, he say,
“Don’t lie to us and just relax.”
Miller chime in, “All we
want are truth and facts.
I say, Officers I was raised
not to tell no fabrications to officers of the law, being taught this
value by my late paw and very dear old maw, so axe away and judge what
I got to say.
Hammill, the gigantic mean
dude, carries a gun, he say, “Whachu doin’ here boy don’t feel
quite right, you sittin’ all alone out in the deep woods in the middle
of the night. Maybe you feeling frisky come out here to drink some whiskey?”
No sir, I don’t do no booze,
anybody do that shit and drive, is bound to lose.
Then he grins like a fat old
Pope, say, “Good to hear boy, where’s the dope? I may look like
I’m in a fog and funk, but the smoke come out your window just now
smell just like skunk.”
Long story short, Miller say,
“What you got here son is a most sloppy jalopy, I don’t suppose
you got in there a rifle or gun?”
I tell them men it ain’t
moronthically legal to have an uncased fireharm at night inside no cab.
Hammill say, “That’s good cause we didn’t want to add that to
your tab. Now what about them four bucks out in your bed, each with
a seventeen-caliber round in his head?”
I say, Swear to God and Ghost
of Dale I’m telling what’s true, it ain’t no tale, but I found
them deer out on Four Twenty Two and was headed directly to town to
“Mighty law-abiding,” Miller
proclaims, “but if the slugs in those heads match up to your gun guess
who’s gonna get all of the blame. Right now just get on out of your
and keep your hands where we
can see them.
Thereafter they didn’t give
me no jive nor no shuck, but commenced to pulling apart my pickup truck.
When they found the gun I could see they was having great fun and when
they finally got all done, they seized my dope and my uncle’s gun,
you know the meanest sonovagun and when he finds out what went down
last night he gonna put me in a whup-ass fight. Man, they ganked my
weed, a pound or more, Garden Green! Such shit being hard to score,
my gun I already told, some silver spiders worth their weight in gold,
a fish spear, my million-watt spot and it all that ain’t a lot they
don’t took my truck to town, locked it up in the county impound. Now
I’m on foot till my court date comes round and here I am walking,
but I’m still real proud even with my feet on the ground.
Say…who that woman in your
van, man, she look a lot like my wife.
“Yah dude, it’s your old
lady for sure. She show up at my pad last night man, tell me clear,
‘My name is Randy and I’m here onnaccount I am and I got no damn
idea what happened to my old man.’ I’m thinking far out, this is
my best friend’s wife, so do I shoo her away or invite her inside?
And funny how we bump into you now and I wonder what the hell I should
do, but now you told me how you done lost your wheels, I’ll tell you
zackly how I feel: You a low-down low-life violating loser and I hope
they lock your ass in the can and when they do, Ms Randy and me will
have us all kinds of time for doing the nasty.
There’s good luck some days
and bad luck too, like this here deal -- which is real good for me and
not so much for you.